the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
