I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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