if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
