During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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