doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
