i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
