I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize