Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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