i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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