i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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