I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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