dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
