I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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