Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
