I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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