I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
