I cut my penus on the lid.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
