She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
