What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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