Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize