If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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