so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I just gift wrapped bread.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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