Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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