bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize