Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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