A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
