Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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