How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
