I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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