It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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