The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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