So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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