Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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