My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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