I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
