YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
