I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
