I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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