Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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