I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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