just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
