I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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