your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize