If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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