We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
