Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
