I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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