you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
