My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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