Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize