Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
