so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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