He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
