Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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