I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
