Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
