Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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