He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
