What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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