your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
