he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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