from now on my penis is your penis
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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