i may or may not be watching the land before time
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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