Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
