Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
sex in a hospital.. check
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
