when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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