he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
