omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
