I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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