He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
