I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
